Very good post and very good advice. Its ironic, but thats the way it works. Then remain silent when the go in a rage. What are the things about how they treated you that hurt or upset you the most? My husband left me after 30 years married 8 years. Helpful, outgoing, and generally warm towards others, communal narcissists arent even on most peoples radar. Vulnerable narcissists also project their negative feelings onto others and have a dim overall view of the world. It did expose him but he didnt change. The only possible outcome is narcissistic rage. Youre basically playing that jealousy card. This is similar to the previous tactic, but a little easier to claim innocence. Start by telling them how you feel. There is one way to get back at them a little. Narcissists do this to try and make us feel alone. Are You Interested in The Following Topics? etc.. The greatest punishment for a narcissist isn't the loss of love by any family member or friend. I kept the moral high ground and left him to his own devices. Narcissists need to be seen as the best at everything, in their career, relationships, health, etc. 4. Ceased contact. These people get pleasure from causing harm to others, and when we can turn that frown upside down, that messes the Narcissist up in more ways than one. I am sorry for that loss with your children. 4. 2. He knows I crave his attention, he knows I like him more than he likes me. Your best life, in other words, is anything without them in it and thats all they need to know. 1. All narcissists need attention and praise, but how they manifest this need can differ widely. The (anonymous) letter I send to this hospital was devestating to her career. Oftentimes, you wont even know that youve made them feel inferior, your first clue will be them putting you down. There are so many others who have been where you are and have made it through a relationship like yours. He love bombed me, we asked his way into my life, then out of nowhere became the darkest human being Ive ever met. They are a lot like two-year-olds. Calculated to perfection to keep out of legal justice. State your truth and disgust to them when you are ready and strong enough. For example: He has convinced me to quit multiple jobs because its to stressful , they treat you so bad,let me support the family for while. Then turns it around that Im crazy and stupid for quitting and how selfish I was. But heres the problem. Commentdocument.getElementById("comment").setAttribute( "id", "ad6c1b8d9fbea60cfdb8d85fc21dabf7" );document.getElementById("i2dc42b6e0").setAttribute( "id", "comment" ); Alexander Burgemeester has a Master in Neuropsychology. Personally, I think we are getting revenge by being online exposing ourselves and sharing our true story. I know that may be hard. I'll call them Sean and David just for kicks. Narcissists interpret silence as a form of disrespect; the silent partner gains power by not needing to express their displeasure out loud. I dont consider it revenge. Period. Better than lying beaten down and keeping a silent victim. Here are five ways that a narcissist may try to take advantage of you: 1. Because he cheats on me all the time, and uses me to get things. Due to this armor, you are unlikely to comprehend the full extent of a narcissist's inhumanity and lack of empathy until . So I was tired of all of it. She may shun you but keep giving her that love and try and reach out. Unfortunately for you, the narcissists only option for regaining their sense of self-worth is to attack the party that has injured it. Now Im also set on revenge. They are likely to be noticed and elicit a strong and dangerous response from the narcissist. And I ask you, is destroying our lives,this giftwe have of experiencing only one time, really worth the revenge? They LOVE the idea that they can hurt us. Your email address will not be published. There are somany ways these days to record someone. Don't just use words, demonstrate it in front of the flying monkeys. Its dangerous to purposely cause them humiliation. Not only does it not have the intended effect, we just have more fallout to deal with because we are the ones who end up hurt by it when the narcissist responds to what we did, and it just keeps us engaged with them longer. 'I know the truth about you' or 'I see right through you'. What does a narcissist do when they lose? Years in the making, this book creates a bridge between the. This sends a message that they are insignificant in your life and that you dont need them. He makes me look like Im crazy, stupid, and horrible. I will check out your others as well. In addition, humiliating them is also likely to invoke hostility and unpredictable acts of rage and vengeance from them onto you. . I had been with him in total for 8 years before we got divorced which started off in Jan 2018. Those of us who are upset and those who spiteful about what the narcissist did to us that this is theLASTthing you want to hear. That means my life is forever changed to the point I will never be able to kiss my grandkids or anyone else. Dont forget to check out these resources: Kristen Milstead is a narcissistic abuse survivor who has become a strong advocate for finding your unique voice and using it to help others find theirs. I havent been brave enough to list my last name but both of you have so we arent anonymous. More often than not, its a way to extract narcissistic supply. Unfortunately, theyre likely to use your words and actions against you, even when youre being amicable. If you make a point of causing narcissistic injury, you better believe the narcissist will come back at you with everything theyve got. Do it wisely. This is so complex. The most common strategy from a narcissist is to try to isolate you. Not traceable by any means. But all I could think about are the droves of other women he likely disrespected. 1) Forgive yourself: For many victims, their first response upon learning and accepting that they have fallen into a manipulative and exploitative relationship with a covert narcissist is shame and self-hatred. Better to play your game. But yes, it will truly affect a Narc if it wasnt tooo long ago the breakup occurred. It is so absurdly expensive and painful that I think that just laughing about the ridiculousness of all of this just might help me survive. But lets examine them anyway as a theoretical exercise and determine what it is about them thats so attractive and why they are unlikely to work. There are other ways to get over it. Why Cant I Just Leave? Smearing you or providing information to others that they learned about you in confidence? Many things may take place during the process, some of which you may be unaware of. This way of thinking and behaving surfaces in every . All have been divorced to no fault of their own. Basically you are saying there is absolutely NOTHING you can do but get over it. Its dangerous territory to be in, so silence shouldnt be used lightly. Narcs have a legion of fools behind them to hurt you, I think it would be a good thing to build your own army of warriors and allies to help stand by your side. She baited me back to keep the fight going. I say this not to take away from the pain we may have endured because I know how it feels toWANTto get revenge on the narcissist. These individuals are hypersensitive to criticism and will lash out at you, even if youre trying to help them. It could start with a smear campaign, whispering rumors to friends, family, or colleagues. Because that looks like the only way to end this suffering. These are the people we typically think of as narcissists: high self-esteem extroverts that can be quite charming and often excel in leadership roles. Watch this short video from Stephanie Lyn that I hope will help to motivate you: All of the other options either lead to additional suffering for us or they provide more ammunition for the narcissist to use against us. We were engaged and only two months away from our wedding when he ended things. -Kristen, It is very sad watching children being used as some manipulation tools. Just a short while later, they became distant, and then came the insults, gaslighting, and emotional blackmailing. Trust your friends, family, even your coworkers with your issues. When they dont, theyre abusive, conniving, and cold. The stress and anxiety was overwhelming. The narcissist can use it to make you look crazy or to justify treating you poorly. I now work for myself and LOVE IT. When they have a steady source of supply, theyre happy as can be. Steps towards escaping a relationship with a covert narcissist. 8) Look your best. Said a prayer for him. Taking revenge on a narcissist is pointless. You will confirm that the narcissist was right about you all along, that you were no good and would eventually just run off with someone else. Out Compete Them. Narcissistic people can do wonders on someones mind and psychology. The main reason this happens is that narcissists don't bond with people. Its about not being under his control, and able to talk about what really happened. Run, girl! Only it was with the other woman. 3. Forcing you to keep looking over your shoulder all the time. Moreover, the worst way of hurting is by especially focussing and undermining the talents that your narcissist regularly boasts about.. that too with perfect facts. It doesnt work. Narcissistic people are like parasites. You dont have to swing from vine to vine just to avoid being alone. Its actually not all that difficult. Can you really ever make them feel the same pain theyve made you feel? [Read: 16 characteristics of a narcissist that give them away instantly] How to beat a narcissist at his own game. You can't change a narcissist. 3. Theyll blame you for their actions or play up their victimhood and make you the aggressor. This is ironic since they use people solely to prop up their own egos and as such treat people as if they are completely and utterly replaceable. That feeling will be very short-lived; narcissists always have more time and energy to spend on hurting you than you do on hurting them. You know where to hurt them the hardest. Everyone around them thinks theyre a saint, or just misunderstood. But it is something that far too many victims often times overlook. We are okay, good, but still working on our relationship. If you need to maintain contact, let them know how they can and cannot be in contact with . Because it's a cool thing to do for someone you love and bananas can be had when they aren't around. 10 Things Narcissistic Men Fear the Most. I have been estranged with my mother as well for the past 8 years but reached out to her after realizing she wasnt a narcissist. Right now, they think that they have you wrapped around their finger and you cant live without them. That we can live in a world where someone can cause so much damage and get away with it seems so unjust. Im dedicated to exposing a narc that is also an abuser(hits his gf). Thank you for the comment and your insight. Even when the stories are so absurd. This will disrupt a narcissists mind. They stole your love and trust. This will always be a no-win situation for you. Yes, moving on is not easy and thats why I put it as one of the biggest cons. Its the hardest thing to do when everything inside you is telling you to do something else. And sometimes the best help you can ever receive is from a stranger. As Maria was accompanying her mother to her door, her mother-in-law, who lived a few houses down and was trudging by, launched into a diatribe about her car not starting. I believe it was the lords blessing me after what I went through. Check out this article on HOW TO HURT A NARCISSIST AND GET AWAY WITH IT.. I exposed my ex by putting up E-mails and texts on Instagram that he had been writing to me after he got married asking to see me and telling me he loved me. I did the same thing, Kristen. The Narcissist LOVES the idea that they can mold other peoples reality and perception of us. Something about the thought of getting even makes you feel as if you are one step closer to getting closure. I too write a humor blog about my experiencebeing ghosted after a 29 year marriage. but in some point you have to face him to get out of this ****..the reason why i said that i feel you..is because i go through the same thing with my mother..and she did fight for us..and im thinkfull to her for the rest of my life for being soo brave to leave..as your kids..they will be greatfull to you..i hope happiness find you where ever you go. So when they discard us or give us thesilent treatment, know that they are STILL thinking about us and that they are gleaming at the idea that we are hurt. The Narcissist LOVES the idea that they can mold other people's reality and perception of us. 5) Don't let them isolate you. Never attempt to get revenge on these types of narcissists; it will blow up in your face, sometimes violently. Reading Suggestion: How Dating a Narcissist Changes You. These methods of vengeance may not look like vengeance at all. Im one of those youve exploited and cheated on, and your fear will take you out of nowhere.. Just on that silly quiet street you walk on every evening. Of course they also lack empathy for others and lash out when anyone challenges them, but overall theyre capable of normal and having forming personal relationships, albeit rather shallow ones. Yes, I do believe that some people will not get to the level of seeing the narc as a comedy. I dont recommend them. And by the way, it didnt work. TikTok video from EL.11.RA (@el.11.ra_lightlanguage): "Part 3/3: This structure of comfort, of always having someone dispensable to 'save' them, is greatly threatened when one parent has passed on and the other (or any one close to them) has triggered abandonment issues and wounds that sends the underdeveloped individual to spiral out of control, and deep into the abyss. Aging narcissists often employ various tactics to ward off the effects of age, but as reality catches up to them, they become increasingly desperate. They need to be stopped. My thoughts were about my children. My suggestion for you is to reach out. The best you can likely hope for is to plant seeds of doubt. Demand attention, even after you've broken up. Keep calm. It tickles their ego, knowing that they can bad . Walking away is the worst thing you can do to a narcissist because its the best thing you can do for yourself. Want to read about the five stages of leaving a narcissist? The main reason is that shame could negatively impact his reputation and give him a lower status in his social circle. Narcissists have a tendency to gaslight and manipulate your perspective of a situation, and its never in your favor. Need Peer Support? In this case, however, youre sinking to their level intentionally to get a reaction, not just because youve been provoked. It affects everyone, but if its not terribly long after you and the Narc parted ways, you know itll hit home to them. Dont cover them up out of fear or fake loyalty. And when we lose who we are (our true self) that is when they take full control over who we are. The other one loves bananas, but also loves their spouse, and has no problem doing small things like not forcing unwanted banana contact. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. It seems to keep many people from moving on. Thats seldom the case with narcissists, who suck up vulnerability like a sponge and then use it to inform their abusive behaviors. Write what you are feeling and ask her when she says she doesnt want to talk to you why? Yes, Im saying that basically the only way to get revenge is to leave. My ex is a narcissist. Narcissists have zero sense of self-worth or resilience, so every negative outcome feels humiliating for them. Excellent point! You've probably already figured a lot of this out. If you don't have people who support you, it's easier to undermine your self-esteem to manipulate you. Took all the money closed all bank accounts and gives me money every fortnight. It . Not all narcissists are extroverts, some are incredibly insecure and are willing to show it. It's something only someone who has engaged a narcissist really understands, but they will almost laugh at themselves in quick, manic, awkward giggles. You can give them complete and utter silence and do everything you can to heal and become an even better person without them. Early in the relationship, little did you know that you simply not doing what they wanted you to do whenever they wanted you to do it meant that you were likely already injuring them and didnt even know it. And when we can show a narc that they are NOTHINGthat KILLS THEM INSIDE. While the typical narcissist is interested in money, power, and sexual conquest, the communal narcissist only wants to be seen as the most helpful person in a group. They will gaslight you. 10 Reasons Why Girls Want To Stay Friends After a Breakup, 8 Subtle Ways Guys Hint They Like You Without Saying It, 22 Painful Signs Hes Not Into You (Anymore), negative outcome feels humiliating for them, These 14 Things Make a Narcissist Really Miserable. Its feels good to get it out! After a year or two recovering I decided to send my ex-narc/psychopath and her new lover an anonymous postcard on newyears-day. Write in a diary about how you felt and how much you wanted to connect with her. They were not the partner you fell in love with and now it seems that this narcissist is actively trying to destroy you. Getting over it is a very difficult process that Im not trying to gloss over here, but I think you make an important point. So it is incredibly important to learn all the many tactics a narcissist uses to trauma-bond their victims. As a result, things may get heated in an argument. Yes, it seems counterintuitive, but the truth is that when a narcissist feels complimented or appreciated, they tend to become even more complacent and entitled. So I made an anonymous tip off to his school where he teachers that his is fraudulent and dishonest. After all, its not just that its revenge. If you're in a relationship with a narcissist, you need to get out, they'll never love you the way you want. But now you can do it on purpose just to show them they cant control you. I thought about this answer for a long time, and tried to think of words, specific words, that I used to get free and metaphorically fight fire with fire. Tell it to all the people who ask about what happened. I am stuch in a relationship with a narcissist for almost two years now. And, just as they do when you didnt intentionally challenge them, they will continue to make you out to be the bad person and use what you do to turn themselves into victims. They appear likable at fist. Threatening me, throwing her belongings and hitting her. This is the hardest thing to do while we are still in love with the narcissist. One of the things narcissists hate most is feeling replaceable. So without further ado, let's take a look at 10 things that can drive a narcissist insane. But we must always remember that old aphorism says: those who seek revenge better dig TWO GRAVES.. Couples don't always carry the same #financial weight in a relationship. 2. What Happens when the Narcissist Loses Control? That is a very good way to put it. Maybe this happened in the aftermath of your own relationship with a narcissist. If you dont have a friend you can call, you can always text the crisis line #741741 in the U.S. or call 800-273-8255. And he tells lies that can be easily identifed as lies, which makes me think whats the point of lying in the first place? Enjoy! The narcissist wants to know that youre doing poorly, that you need them to feel complete. Im preparing for a trial at the end of this month and I think that she is going to use this very expensive opportunity to try to finish off my character and destroy me. Send Abuse Right Back to Them. Tell them how they lied and cheated, and abused you in many other ways. A sure-fire way to make them angry is to show them up in any of these areas. This is spot on my hubby does these things that make u pit of ur stomach. But that isEXACTLYwhat the narcissists want. So what can you do? A lot. Its saying no and ignoring them rolled into one with a permanent twist. Once the narcissist has goaded you into reacting, they can keep you feeling powerless, guilty, and participating in the relationship until they're ready to end it. When dealing with a narcissist, there are certain phrases that are more than likely going to be a trigger for a tantrum. You might be wondering what words you should use to hurt or humiliate a Narcissist. They love seeing the destruction. And it is so subtle that they will have a hard time getting back at you or possing as the victim. Because in their twisted minds, they can not stand the idea of being left alone, so EVERYONE ELSE MUST think the same, right? Ive exposed what I can to her and she is onto him anyways. I hate myself for loving him so much! Create a support system. You just cant take it anymore and are tired of feeling powerless. It's almost certainly irreparably broken, as there's not much to salvage after a breakdown in communication. Yet he or she is not likely to even recognize this as revenge or a reaction to anything he or she did. Especially if it gets physical. The worst thing you can do to a narcissist that will drive them insane is something very very simple. Its that they move on so quickly, completely unscathed by a relationship that left us in emotional tatters. Youre right. Shame. Comfront them publicly they dont like that. We may be dealing with financial or legal consequences or struggling to put our lives back together if our stability has been disrupted in areas such as our housing or job. What do you do with all of these feelings? They come off as friendly, gentle, and charismatic. Narcissists have but one goal get more narcissistic supply. People without NPD or other similar mental health conditions usually think of a relationship as a selfless equation. When interacting with a narcissistic boss or co-worker, setting limits is essential. Learn how your comment data is processed. And prepare yourself for the character assassination. Just imagine how satisfying it would be to humiliate the narcissist in front of his friends or colleagues. When speaking to a narcissist, try to see their point of view and how they might be feeling hurt (no matter how warped it is). I wish you continued strength on your recovery journey. 12 - Pave the way for their next relationship. That was my revenge. My narc has succeeded in turning my 20 yo daughter against me; we are estranged and she wants nothing to do with me. That understood, the worst thing you can do to a narcissist is to seek revenge as they are vengeful toward you. You . Its the truth; words to live by. Click To Tweet. Make calm, peaceful statements and then the crazy-making behavior and gaslighting on their side will stop. They know exactly what they have been doing wrong and try by all means to keep this a secret to anyone else. But youve told your truth. Thank you and thanks for reading! Your ghosts follow you everywhere. The Ultimate Narcissist Dictionary for Defining Narcissism and Narcissistic Abuse, gained our trust first before doing these things, walking away shows them we no longer care, Taking Your Life Back After a Relationship With a Narcissist Free Recovery Toolkit, Comprehensive Narcissistic Abuse Dictionary, The Best Resources for Narcissistic Abuse Recovery, Dating After Narcissistic Abuse: The One-Year Detox, Books on Narcissistic Abuse Recovery: A Warning, 7 Things That Supercharge Narcissistic Abuse Recovery, The Worst Thing You Can Do to a Narcissist, Songs About Narcissism: Your Abuse Recovery Playlist, Ten Things That May Happen in a New Relationship After Narcissistic Abuse, How to Outsmart a Narcissist and Break Their Spell, How Narcissists Ruin Holidays: It's Not Your Imagination, 7 Reasons Why Narcissists Won't Give You Closure, Why Cognitive Dissonance is Trauma to Narcissistic Abuse Survivors, How to Know If a Narcissist is Finished With You, How to Deal with a Narcissist When You Can't Go No Contact. Last Updated on August 15, 2022 by Alexander Burgemeester. A narcissistic parent doesn't love you, and simply sees you as an accident that sometimes serves as a useful tool to give them leverage in life. So what is the worst thing you can do to a narcissist? Upload the recording. Since narcissists live for being admired and their pride is of great importance, doing . It's not even the loss of treasured material possessionsthough they do feel a major blow when they face such a loss. You'll notice the narcissist in your life getting more and more angry as you keep ignoring them. If you want to cut to a narcissists emotional core, make them look bad in public. I guess he forgot about all those pictures of patients he text messaged me. Narcissists hate feeling invisible and worthless. One Of The Worst Things You Can Do To A Narcissist. Live your best life, dont play games with these people, and you win. By MOVING ON and doing us and being successful, the moment they find out (and they will find out because they haveflying monkeyswho will keep tabs on our lives) that will DESTROY THEIR WORLD and THEIR EGO. If you think about what narcissists thrives on, however, by rendering them invisible, you starve them of the drama that they crave. Their personality disorder doesnt stem from deep-seated neuroses or a grandiose sense of self, they simply thrive on creating chaos. Researcher and author Craig Malkin, PhD, suggests that the term "covert" can be misleading. Its been haunting me for years. Its that they intentionally gained our trust first before doing these things. When everyone around you is trying to convince you that YOU are the bad person, sometimes an objective view of you from someone you dont know maybe what saves you from drowning in the sea of insanity the narc and their legion of fools try and drown you in. The tactics mentioned above feel tempting after youve experienced months or even years of psychological abuse. Hi Andy: Im so sorry to hear about the pain you are going through right now. When they have deemed us supply for their purposes and when we take back ourselves from themthat is a MAJOR blow to them. Were left astounded by the magnitude of the wrongs done to us. While most people can regulate their feelings of self-worth internally, the narcissist relies completely on outsiders for this validation.